|
This
Week
-
Monday,
August
8,
2005
In
honor
of
V-J
Day
and
the
brave
men
and
women
who
died
so
America
could
continue
to
make
movies
like
this
"Pearl
Harbor"
Week
You're
never
going
to
stop
your
Movie-of-the-Week
hacks
from
taking
their
stab
at
current
or
relatively
recent
events.
They
have
little
shame
and
a
lot
of
alimony,
child
support
and
cocaine
bills.
They've
got
to
work,
and
if
that
means
they
have
to
use
Fallujah
or
the
World
Trade
Center
as
a
backdrop
for
an
action-adventure
romantic
suspense
melodrama
starring
Bruce
Boxleitner,
Patricia
Heaton,
and
Lindsey
Lohan's
little
brother,
and
sponsored
by
Dannon
Yogurt,
then
that's
just
how
it
is
and
we
need
to
live
with
it.
They
aren't
getting
rich;
they're
probably
taking
home
Guild
minimum
and
approaching
it
with
as
much
disinterest
and
loathing
as
you
and
I
do
our
own
jobs,
showing
up
20
minutes
late
and
maybe
a
little
hungover,
talking
to
the
pool
cleaner
or
the
vet
on
their
cell
phone
between
takes,
and
really
not
caring
too
much
what's
being
filmed
as
long
as
everyone's
hitting
their
mark
and
no
one's
making
much
of
a
fuss
about
anything.
"Hey,
Bruce.
Maybe
a
little
more
emotion--he's
your
lost
twin
brother
and
he's
just
dropped
eighty
stories
to
the
pavement
twelve
feet
in
front
of
you
when
you've
come
to
rescue
him.
You
need
to.....Oh
fuck
it,
we're
burning
daylight
here.
Just
put
it
in
the
can."
If,
on
the
other
hand,
you're
an
established
entity--your
name's
appeared
in
"US
Weekly"
and
you
have
a
cell
phone
with
a
310
area
code--then
as
a
rule
you
should
stick
to
unimpeachable
fiction.
Don't
go
treading
on
any
event
where
the
principals
or
their
relatives
are
still
very
much
alive
and,
when
you
give
it
the
same
treatment
you
would
a
cop
buddy
movie
or
a
paramilitary
terrorist
takeover
of
Alcatraz,
no
one
can
step
forward
and
accuse
you
of
defecating
on
everything
their
grandfathers
fought
and
died
for.
This
isn't
some
fake
jingoistic
Toby
Keith
"try-burnin'-this-flag,
asshole"
outrage.
It's
just
a
matter
of
knowing
where
to
draw
the
line;
of
how
to
use
the
sense
that
God
gave
you.
It's
about
being
able
to
keep
your
storytelling
away
from
minefields
crowded
with
signs
reading
"This
is
a
densely-packed
minefield,
and
you
have
a
96%
chance
of
losing
a
limb
walking
through
here."
With
the
terrain
before
them
so
clearly
marked,
who's
going
to
march
on?
Two
kinds
of
people--those
of
bionic,
larger-than-life
hubris,
and
those
who
wear
protective
helmets
on
the
short
bus
that
takes
them
to
the
day
center.
And
sometimes,
even
the
latter
are
smart
enough
to
see
the
danger
in
front
of
them.
Which
brings
us
to
this
week's
nominees,
which
we
bring
to
you
in
honor
of
the
upcoming
60th
anniversary
of
both
V-J
Day
and
the
second
atomic
bomb
dropped
on
Nagasaki,
and
their
participation
in
an
event
some
would
regard
as
only
slightly
less
an
affront
to
humanity--the
motion
picture,
"Pearl
Harbor".
Ask
any
historian
or
veteran
what
comes
to
mind
when
they
think
what
went
through
the
minds
of
the
men
and
women
at
Pearl
Harbor,
and
"I
must
win
Nurse
Lt.
Evelyn's
heart"
isn't
going
to
be
the
first
thought
that
comes
to
mind.
Or
the
second,
or
the
third,
or
the
tenth.
"Sweet
Jesus,
I
don't
want
to
die!"
or
"Why
don't
you
come
down
here
and
fight
you
cowardly
bastards!!!"
are
probably
more
in
line
with
reality.
Michael
Bay
could
have
built
this
story
around
anything
without
defiling
such
delicate
ground--a
future
terrorist
attack,
the
Punic
Wars
(defile
away--hardly
anyone
remembers
the
Punic
Wars.
I'm
not
even
sure
they
have
a
memorial),
the
Sharks
and
the
Jets,
a
ragtag
crew
of
oil
riggers
united
against
an
asteroid
headed
straight
towards...well,
he
could
have
done
that
again;
even
women
like
looking
at
Liv
Tyler.
But
no,
he
had
to
go
down
this
slippery
slope.
He
and
everyone
he
brought
with
him
should
have
known
how
this
was
going
to
end
up.
And,
like
the
real
attack
at
Pearl
Harbor,
someone
has
to
be
brought
to
justice.
In
fact,
"Pearl
Harbor"
and
Pearl
Harbor
are
really
not
all
that
dissimilar.
One
was
a
cowardly
assault
on
an
unsuspecting
American
public,
leaving
a
proud
nation
bloody
and
reeling,
but
with
a
determination
to
never
again
drop
our
guard
and
let
the
enemies
of
all
that
is
good
about
this
country
perpetrate
such
a
savage
attack
on
our
honor
and
decency.
The
other
brought
America
into
World
War
II.
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Name:
Ben
Affleck
Transgression(s):
Surprisingly,
"Gigli"
is
only
the
fifth
or
sixth
most
compelling
reason.
Evaluation:
In
the
1998
NFL
draft,
all
eyes
of
the
football
world
were
on
Washington
State's
Ryan
Leaf
and
Tennessee's
Peyton
Manning.
Both
were
enormously
talented,
evenly-matched
quarterbacks
and
future
superstars.
It
was
preordained
that
they
were
going
to
go
1-2
in
the
draft,
but
it
was
up
to
1st-pick
Indiana
to
decide
who
it
was
going
to
be.
The
Colts
chose
Manning,
who
went
on
to
win
two
MVPs
and
would
in
2004
surpass
records
of
Dan
Marino
and
Steve
Young.
Leaf
went
to
San
Diego,
feuded
with
teammates
and
the
press,
was
a
complete
washout
on
the
field,
retired
in
disgrace
at
26,
and
makes
many
top
3
lists
of
Worst
Draft
Picks
Ever.
At
one
moment
together
on
one
pedestal
two
young
men
embarked
in
two
very
different
directions.
At
the
1998
Oscars
all
eyes
of
the
film
world
were
on
Ben
Affleck
and
Matt
Damon
as
their
film
was
nominated
for
9
Oscars,
netting
them
the
award
for
Best
Writing
on
this,
their
first
effort.
Fast
forward
seven
years
.Damon
has
carried
on
his
career
with
a
workmanlike
consistency,
racking
up
a
series
of
dependable
commercial
successes
and
one
outstanding
franchise
in
the
"Bourne"
pictures.
He's
kept
his
social
life
on
an
even
keel
and
hangs
with
respected
Hollywood
heavyweights
George
Clooney
and
Brad
Pitt.
From
the
moment
Damon
embarked
on
his
solid,
dignified
yeoman's
career,
Ben
proceeded
to
squeeze
out
one
dookie
after
another
with
a
prolifigacy
that
would
astound
his
peers.
"Bounce",
"Boiler
Room",
"Reindeer
Games",
"Forces
of
Nature",
"Armageddon",
a
laughable
turn
as
Jack
Ryan,
"Pearl
Harbor"
(in
which
he
really
stretched
his
acting
chops
and
played
an
RAF
officer)
and
2003's
almost
surreally
abysmal
"Gigli"
which
won
"Worst
Movie
Ever"
appellation
from
many
critics
and
ranks
second
only
to
"Cutthroat
Island"
as
the
biggest
box-office
bomb
ever.
With
Ben,
the
shits
just
keep
on
coming.
Along
the
way,
he
had
an
embarrassing
engagement
with
insufferable
diva
Jennifer
Lopez
which
had
even
close
friends
suggesting
he'd
signed
over
the
title
to
his
genitals.
Earlier,
he'd
begun
fancying
himself
a
future
Senatorial
candidate
and
electoral
pied
piper
in
his
efforts
on
the
stump
for
Al
Gore
in
2000
and
to
encourage
young
people
to
register
and
vote
("One
of
the
reasons
that
I'm
here
is
to
demonstrate
that
no
matter
who
you
are
going
to
vote
for...I
think
it's
important
to
get
involved
and
get
out
and
vote").
He
appeared
on
the
Rosie
O'Donnell
Show
on
election
day,
proudly
announcing,
"I'm
about
to
go
vote....I'm
personally
voting
for
Al
Gore."
He
was
less
enthusiastic
about
his
tireless
get-out-the-vote
effort
a
week
after
the
election
when
The
Smoking
Gun
revealed
that
not
only
had
he
not
cast
his
vote
for
Al
Gore,
he
hadn't
voted
at
all,
nor
had
he
registered
to
vote,
and
not
just
in
the
2000
election,
but
in
1998,
1996,
or
1994.
Perhaps
his
inclusion
here
should
be
in
honor
of
still
another
anniversary--that
of
the
1965
Voting
Rights
Act,
which
protected
the
right
to
vote
of
Americans
regardless
of
race,
creed,
color
or
acting
ability.
The
Act
also
prohibited
the
denial
or
abridgement
of
the
right
to
vote
based
on
literacy
tests--in
other
words,
that
Ben
Affleck
didn't
have
to
prove
that
he
reads
his
scripts
in
order
to
be
eligible
to
vote.
Nominated
by
Trevor
S.,
7.20.05
Nominee
comments:
"ben
affleck
is
a
downright
douchebag,
who
needs
many
fucking
years
of
therapy,
acting
school,
and
suicide
101.
this
pathetic
excuse
of
an
actor
didn't
just
make
a
jap
attack
on
pearl
harbor
look
bad,
he
also
made
it
look
like
war
is
a
cheesy
love
story.
the
bottom
line:
douchbag"
Return
to
top
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Name:
Michael
Bay
Transgression(s):
Paramont
Pictures
pitch
meeting,
time
is
the
present--"Okay,
Ryan
Gosling
and
Jessica
Alba.
He's
in
Special
Forces
and
she's
with
MercyCorps.
She
knows
she
loves
him,
but
they've
grown
in
different
directions.
Fast-forward
to
Tora
Bora.
She's
nursing
malnourished
Tajik
children
back
to
health,
his
unit
has
a
bead
on
Osama
Bin
Laden.
They
meet
accidentally
at
a
cafe...."
Evaluation:
If
Michael
Bay
had
had
the
good
fortune
to
have
died
in
a
car
accident
after
"The
Rock",
Hollywood
would
have
remembered
him
the
same
way
rock-and-roll
remembers
Marc
Bolan
of
T.
Rex--not
a
genius,
not
our
greatest
auteur,
but
he
kicked
out
some
fun
product,
and
he
died
too
young.
No
such
luck,
though.
Bay
lived,
and
followed
"The
Rock"
with
"Armageddon"--a
slick,
blow-up-everything,
asteroid-hurtling-toward-Earth
blockbuster
which
wasn't
even
the
best
asteroid-hurtling-toward-Earth
blockbuster
in
a
year
of
really
terrible
asteroid-hurtling-toward-Earth
blockbusters.
(Okay,
I
could
only
count
two,
but
they
were
very
influential).
Seeing
Ben
Affleck
killed
onscreen
was
almost
worth
the
price
of
a
large
popcorn,
but
unlike
many
big,
dumb,
action
pictures,
and
especially
"The
Rock",
which
require
a
harmless
suspension
of
disbelief,
"Armageddon"
requires
subduing
disbelief
with
a
Taser,
ball
peen
hammer,
and
chloroform,
duct-taping
its
mouth
and
eyes,
hog-tying
it
with
nylon
rope
and
bungee
cords,
stuffing
it
in
a
steamer
trunk,
welding
it
shut
and
dumping
it
overboard
110
miles
off
the
coast
of
Nova
Scotia.
And
it's
got
an
Aerosmith
power
ballad.
With
"Pearl
Harbor",
though,
Bay
made
his
bid
for
James
Cameron
acclaim--the
master
of
the
bigger-than-life
historical
tragedy-as-romantic/action-epic,
which
in
a
gem
among
many,
many
dozens
of
spot-on
critical
pans,
UK
Critic's
Ian
Waldron-Mantgani
summed
up
as
"a
cheerfully
offensive
rape
of
history."
A
shallow,
cynical
exercise
in
paint-by-numbers
blockbuster
filmmaking
that
treated
its
historical
bedrock
with
a
casual
indifference--incidental
and
at
times
inconvenient,
ignoring
it
when
it
got
in
the
way,
but
with
plenty
of
occasions
where
he
could
blow
shit
up.
There's
been
little
love
for
Bay's
two
subsequent
projects,
"Bad
Boys
II"
and
this
summer's
"The
Island"
("A
debacle",
Bay
said
after
seeing
opening
weekend
receipts.
"My
worst
opening
ever.").
If
even
blockbuster
directors
are
only
two
or
three
box-office
disasters
away
from
having
to
make
porn
films
to
pay
the
rent,
keep
an
eye
out
in
the
next
few
years,
after
he
finishes
his
Transformers
movie,
for
the
Vivid
Video
DVD
collection
of
Michael
Bay's
"Must
Love
Dongs"
and
"Because
of
Winn's
Dick,
See?"
Nominated
by
B.
Kelter,
8.1.05
Return
to
top |
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Name:
Cuba
Gooding,
Jr.
Transgression(s):
Show
me
the
money.
Now,
give
it
all
back,
go
sit
down
and
watch
"Boyz-N-The-Hood",
"Jerry
Maquire",
and
"As
Good
As
It
Gets"
and
remember
why
you
got
into
acting
in
the
first
place.
Evaluation:
What
is
it
about
the
Oscar
that's
sent
so
many
promising
young
actors
and
actresses
off
the
professional
rails,
into
a
snowy
oblivion
of
fast-track-to-video
abominations
and
phoned-in
diet
soda
commercials?
What
should
give
them
a
solid
foundation
for
their
professional
future
instead
sends
them
on
a
journey
that
leaves
millions
of
people
in
their
wake
reminiscing
with
friends
about
a
favorite
movie
then
suddenly
squinting
their
eyes,
furroughing
their
brows,
and
wondering,
"Hey,
whatever
happened
to.....?"
It's
a
Hollywood
reality
that
has
a
long
history,
practically
as
old
as
the
awards
themselves.
Luise
Rainer
won
back-to-back
in
1936-37,
and
then
disappeared
into
obscurity.
Jo
Van
Vleet's
1955
turn
in
"East
of
Eden"
won
her
a
"Best
Supporting
Actress"
Oscar
and
a
BAFTA
Award
for
"Most
Promising
Newcomer",
but
then,
except
for
"Cool
Hand
Luke"
her
career
played
out
with
a
string
of
screen
events
that
were,
um,
overlooked
by
the
Academy
and
the
more
esteemed
critics,
including
"80
Steps
to
Jonah",
"The
Gang
That
Couldn't
Shoot
Straight",
and
the
crowning
achievement
of
her
rapid
descent,
1973's
non-Emmy-nominated
"Satan's
School
for
Girls".
In
1976
Louise
Fletcher
won
Best
Supporting
Actress
for
"One
Flew
Over
The
Cuckoo's
Nest",
and
proceeded
to
make
over
70
mostly
Grade
D
projects
("Grizzly
II:
The
Predator",
anyone?)
which
were
less
real
movies
than
New
Deal-style
Full
Employment
Programs
for
middling
actors
like
Kevin
Sorbo
and
Susan
Ruttan
lest
they
be
forced
to
wander
about
society
and
take
real
jobs
that
would
otherwise
go
to
those
more
deserving
of
the
Denny's
nametag.
Mira
Sorvino,
Ellen
Burstyn,
Marisa
Tomei,
Linda
Hunt,
Tom
Hulce,
Juliette
Binoche,
Louis
Gossett,
Jr.,
Cher.
And
the
list
goes
on
and
on.
It
seemed
at
first
that
Cuba
Gooding,
Jr.--a
fine
actor
in
many
of
his
earlier
works--might
beat
the
curse,
with
an
energetic
role
as
Frank,
Greg
Kinnear's
fiery,
at
first
loyal,
but
ultimately
fickle
friend
in
the
mostly
amusing
"As
Good
As
It
Gets".
It
all
turned
very,
very
bad
from
there,
though--the
saccharine,
overwrought
"What
Dreams
May
Come";
the
execrable
"Speed"
ripoff
"Chill
Factor",
and
an
astonishingly
dreadful
four-film
run
of
"Snow
Dogs",
"Boat
Trip",
"The
Fighting
Temptations",
and
his
cynical
'Tard
Card
bid
for
return
to
Oscar
glory,
"Radio"
(sorry,
it's
an
ironclad
rule--any
role
involving
mental
retardation
or
terminal
illness
is
always
suspect,
especially
if
an
actor
is
on
a
long
losing
streak).
Falling
in
here,
of
course,
was
his
decision
to
aid
and
abet
Michael
Bay
in
this
cinematic
Hindenburg
(wait--now
there's
an
epic
that's
screaming
for
a
Michael
Bay
makeover.
Call
his
agent!).
There
are
no
indications
he
has
a
gambling
or
drug
problem
that
could
be
leading
to
this
plenitude
of
unfortunate
choices,
so
one
assumes
this
is
either
very
poor
judgement
at
work,
or
less-comprehensible
"Oscar
Curse"-related
forces,
such
as
those
that
led
another
African-American
"Jr."
to
follow
the
pride,
honor
and
esteem
of
his
Oscar
bestowal
with
"Jaws
3-D",
"Enemy
Mine",
and
not
one,
not
two
but
four
"Iron
Eagle"
movies.
In
Louis
Gossett
Jr.'s
case,
nothing
obvious
changed
the
man
who
so
filled
the
screen
with
his
Sgt.
Emil
Foley,
it
was
only
his
film
choices
that
went
so
far
south
so
quickly.
So
it's
been
with
Mr.
Gooding--the
talented
and
versatile
professional
who
brought
us
Rod
Tidwell
and
Corporal
Hanamaker
is
presumably
still
in
there
somewhere,
but
has
apparently
been
overpowered,
bound
and
gagged.
And
so
all
we
can
do
is
scratch
our
heads,
appreciate
the
small
if
excellent
body
of
work
he
amassed
before
it
all
went
so
terribly
wrong,
and
keep
an
eye
on
the
cineplex
for
the
inevitable
arrival
of
"CF2:
License
to
Chill"
or
"Radio
Free
Green
Bay:
Radio
Goes
to
The
Super
Bowl!"
Nominated
by
B.
Kelter,
7.28.05
Return
to
top
Honorable
Mention!
Name:
Jeremy
Gilbreath
Transgressions:
"Toothbrush
sailor"
(uncredited)
-
"Pearl
Harbor".
Also,
Nick
Stahl's
stand-in
on
"Terminator
3:
Rise
of
the
Machines"
and
"Carnivale",
and
an
extras
casting
associate
in
2001's
"Too
Legit:
The
MC
Hammer
Story"
Evaluation:
Okay,
he
hasn't
done
anything
DeadAir-worthy
besides
appear
in
"Pearl
Harbor",
and
not
even
that,
because,
hell,
a
fellow's
got
to
eat,
right?
We're
more
throwing
him
a
bone
here,
at
the
behest
of
DA2K12
co-founder
Lori
S.,
who
sympathetically
notes
that
"he'll
probably
never
see
his
name
in
print
again."
Welcome
aboard,
Jeremy!
Your
fellow
passengers
are
no
reflection
upon
your
worth
as
a
human
being
and
your
place
in
this
society.
You
just
seem
like
you
might
be
lonely.
Nominated
by
Lori
S.,
8.1.05
Return
to
top
|
Virtually
condemn
your
most-loathed
celebrity,
relative,
or
backstabbing
weasel
ex-friend!
Try
it--it's
a
scream,
and
very
cathartic! |
|
|
|
