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This
Week
-
Monday,
August
1,
2005
Celebrity
Religion
Week
Remember
when
people
used
to
go
to
church
on
Sunday
and
it
wasn't
a
big
deal;
when
religion
was,
for
the
most
part,
a
"don't
ask/don't
tell/don't
care
all
that
much"
affair?
Sure,
everyone
looked
at
the
Jews
funny,
mostly
because
of
all
their
strange,
unprounceable
names,
foods,
and
holidays,
or
because
of
the
"Christ-killer"
invective
the
Gentiles
heard
growing
up
from
their
Archie
Bunker
fathers.
Yes,
we
lived
in
an
age
where
it
was
just
assumed
by
the
status
quo
that
everyone
was
a
God-fearing
American,
but
nonetheless
few
people
ever
saw
it
necessary
to
make
a
presentation
of
their
spirituality,
especially
celebrities.
Where
did
this
all
change?
Professional
athletes
may
have
been
the
earliest
practitioners
of
spiritual
exhibitionism,
going
on
TV
and
using
phrases
to
qualify
their
performance
like
"the
good
Lord
willing"
or
"God
was
looking
out
for
me
today"
or
"I
just
try
and
keep
the
faith
out
there".
It
played
well
in
the
hinterlands,
but
in
all
likelihood
it
was
less
a
deep,
sincere
expression
of
their
faith
than
a
deliberate
smokescreen
to
preserve
their
image
when
word
was
getting
out
that
so
many
of
them
were
eating
narcotics
by
the
handful
and
screwing
teenage
girls,
and
they
didn't
want
to
jeopardize
their
chances
for
the
Wheaties
box.
Then
the
Tinseltown
celebs
had
to
go
and
give
all
that
money
to
Mondale
and
Dukakis,
and
the
word
was
out
in
Reagan/Bush
Country:
The
"Hollywood
Elite"
was
a
cesspool
of
depraved
Liberalism.
It
was
their
own
fault,
really,
living
as
they
were
in
one
giant
glass
house
of
cocaine,
methaquaalone,
alcoholism,
sexually
transmitted
diseases,
adultery,
Las
Vegas
weddings
and
Mexican
divorces
(and
God
knows
what
else
was
captured
on
Rob
Lowe's
video
camera).
The
spiritual
defense
mechanism
was
deployed
with
lightning
alacrity.
But
what
to
worship?
Jesus
was
so
old
school,
it
just
wasn't
very
imaginative.
A
large
contract
with
dollar
signs,
while
heartfelt,
would
probably
send
the
wrong
message.
Dolphins?
Dolphins
are
smart.
And
cute.
Hmmmm.
What
about
superheroes?
Superheroes
are
cool,
and
they
stand
for
all
the
right
things!
Well,
that
probably
wouldn't
have
flown
either,
but
many
did
find
something
close
and,
at
the
urging
of
fellow
celebs
John
Travolta
and
Tom
Cruise,
joined
the
Church
of
Scientology
(though
"joined"
is
a
term
of
contention,
as
many
still
debate
whether
or
not
entrance
to
the
church
is
a
more
complex
affair
involving
a
windowless
van,
duct
tape,
sensory
deprivation,
and
three
weeks
in
a
basement
closet).
Scientology
is
the
brainchild
of
science
fiction
writer
L.
Ron
Hubbard
who
speculated
often
through
his
career
on
the
surefire
moneymaking
possibilities
in
starting
one's
own
religion,
and
it
crackles
with
sci-fi
imagery,
with
its
Body
Thetans
and
E-Meters
and
Xenu
implants--"Biblestar
Galactica"
if
you
will.
The
unimaginative
stuck
to
Christianity
and
AA,
but
for
some
Christianity
was
Dad's
thing.
They
wanted
something
fresh,
that
was
their
own,
and
being
exhibitionists
for
a
living,
a
louder
and
more
unique
way
to
tell
the
world
that
they
weren't
callow
hedonists;
that
they
had
Faith.
I
mean,
sure,
all
of
your
mainstream
Christian
denominations
have
a
certain
meat-and-potatoes
pragmatism
to
them,
and
that's
great
if
you're
looking
for
a
no-frills
way
to
express
your
belief
in
a
higher
power.
But
there
isn't
anything
particularly
sexy
about
being
Presbyterian,
or
Lutheran,
or
Methodist.
Besides,
who
wants
to
hang
with
the
buffet-and-minivan
crowd
down
at
St.
Andrews?
Then
suddenly,
Madonna
announced
she
was
into
Kabbalah,
and
the
stampede
of
the
newly-faithful
was
on.
It's
high-profile
what
with
its
ever-burgeoning
number
of
celebrity
parishioners,
deliberately
vague
to
non-religious
scholars,
and
it
comes
with
a
cool
red
string
bracelet.
It
would
be
cynical
(something
we
try
at
all
costs
to
avoid
at
DA2K12)
to
suggest
that
all
celebrity
religious
dalliances
are
empty,
insincere
attempts
to
deny
accusations
of
being
shallow,
self-serving
moral
relativists.
But
celebrities
are
in
the
business
of
selling
themselves
and
in
2004
spirituality
is
an
eye-catching
shelf-talker.
For
others,
it's
telling
to
witness
the
temporal
correlation
between
a
celebrity's
conversion
and
a
fresh
personal
scandal
that's
garnering
a
lot
of
unfriendly
press.
For
still
others,
it's
just
plain
deluded
"look-at-me"
lunacy.
However
you
slice
it,
like
drinking
and
driving,
Tom
Cruise
and
furniture,
Gallagher
and
a
full
auditorium,
celebrities
and
religion
are
simply
a
bad,
bad
mix.
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Scientology |
Kabbalah
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Christianity |
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Name:
Jenna
Elfman
Transgression(s):
"Dharma
and
Greg"
should
be
enough,
but
that's
a
topic
for
another
day.
Evaluation:
Jenna
recently
told
the
Scientology
magazine
"Celebrity"
that
it's
her
duty
as
a
celebrity
to
"clear
the
planet
of
aliens",
or
"Body
Thetans",
whom
Scientologists
believe
are
roaming
Earth,
leftover
from
a
nuclear
explosion
75,000,000
years
ago.
She
complains
about
the
"rabid
suppression"
she
encounters
in
her
industry.
Like
Tom
Cruise
has
recently
postulated,
psychiatry
is
"incorrect
technology".
With
her
TV
show
long
ago
cancelled
and
her
movie
career
not
exactly
skyrocketing
with
a
voiceover
in
"Clifford's
Really
Big
Movie"
followed
by
a
2005
star
turn
with
Randall
Batinkoff
("For
Keeps"
with
Molly
Ringwald--I
had
to
look
it
up),
she's
devoting
the
majority
of
her
energy
to
Scientology.
She's
an
"OT
7"
in
Scientology
parlance--that
is,
a
level
7
Operating
Thetan
(Church
members
can
pay
to
move
their
way
up
each
of
8
OT
levels.
At
"OT
3"
proprietary
details
begin
to
be
revealed
to
them,
and
increase
as
they
move
their
way
up
the
ladder).
What
next
for
this
pert,
frightening
little
firecracker?
She
plans
to
be
"absolutely
relentless
and
unreasonable
about
grasping
[Scientology
technology]
and
owning
it,”
she
says.
“That
way,
I
can
have
complete
KSW
(Keeping
Scientology
Working)…[and]
forge
ahead
with
a
very
high
speed
of
particle
flow.”
I'm
taking
extra
Vitamin
B
supplements
for
my
particle
flow.
In
1999,
Jenna
refused
to
sign
autographs
for
an
auction
benefitting
children
with
HIV
claiming
"AIDS
is
a
state
of
mind,
not
a
disease."
Nominated
by
B.
Kelter,
7.28.05
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to
top
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Name:
Paris
Hilton
Transgression(s):
"Bless
me
father
for
I
only
took
$450K
and
points
for
my
Internet
sex
video.
But
at
least
I
did
better
than
that
Croatian
singer
who
got
her
salad
tossed
and
didn't
even
take
a
cut
of
the
DVD
sales."
Evaluation:
"When
I
split
with
Nick
[Carter]
I
coped
by
going
straight
to
the
Kabbalah
Centre
in
Los
Angeles,
told
everyone
about
the
break-up
and
got
a
new
[red
string
Kabbalah]
bracelet..."
-
Paris
Hilton,
"More"
magazine
(Britain)
Her
split
with
Nick
coincided
with
the
release
of
"1
Night
In
Paris"
(porn
titles
are
usually
great,
but
that's
an
instant
classic),
which
showed
a
bored-looking
Paris
getting
her
pipes
cleaned
by
then-boyfriend/future
video
entrepreneur
Rick
Solomon.
Almost
to
the
day
press
releases
suddenly
started
appearing
announcing
Paris'
devotion
to
Kabbalah.
As
PR
conversions
go,
it
doesn't
get
a
whole
lot
more
transparent.
Nominated
by
B.
Kelter,
7.30.05
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Name:
Andy
Dick
Transgression(s):
Using
Christianity
as
a
PR
"Get
Out
of
Jail
Free"
card.
Evaluation:
There
are
two
cosmic
certainties
in
our
world.
1)
Twice
a
year,
the
sun
will
be
at
its
greatest
distance
from
the
celestial
equator,
and
2)
Twice
a
year,
at
least,
Andy
Dick
will
have
some
kind
of
drunken,
drug-induced,
and/or
overtly-sexual
Chernobyl
in
public,
giving
his
PR
rep
one
of
those
headaches
they
used
to
show
on
the
Excedrin
commercials
("It
starts
right
here
and
then...",
running
their
fingers
along
a
jagged
graphic
superimposed
over
the
profile
of
their
head)
.
Last
August
Andy
was
booted
from
the
club
Suede
in
Chelsea
after
an
epic
meltdown
that
saw
him
curled
up
on
the
floor
in
tears
yelling
about
the
recent
death
of
Rick
James
("My
best
friend
is
dead!
He's
gone!
He's
dead!
You
don't
understand!
All
my
best
friends
die!").
Coralled
into
the
kitchen,
he
thrust
a
pile
of
hundred
dollar
bills
at
a
dishwasher
so
he
could
"live
in
the
room"
and
said
to
former
N'Sync-er/Suede
co-owner
Joey
Fatone,
"You!
Fatone!
Fat
One!!!"
Next,
he
rampaged
drunkenly
through
the
restaurant
trying
to
kiss
everyone,
including
Seth
Green,
following
up
with
a
violent
slap
to
each.
He
jumped
on
the
back
of
co-owner
Jason
Boyd
and
tried
to
kiss
him.
They
finally
"quarantined
him"
in
a
separate
room,
but
"he
slipped
outside
and
skipped
out
on
his
$300
bar
tab".
This
past
week
at
a
party
at
an
American
Eagle
store
in
New
York,
Dick--in
the
company
of
his
teenage
son,
Lucas--introduced
himself
to
a
stranger
by
pinching
the
man's
nipple,
and
groped
and
kissed
another
man
while
Alexandra
Kerry
was
presenting
an
award
to
the
teenage
winner
of
American
Eagle's
"Live
Your
Life"
contest.
Later
that
night,
he
showed
up
again
in
Chelsea,
this
time
at
Home,
making
out
with
and
caressing
the
chest
and
shoving
his
hands
down
the
pants
of
an
unnamed
male
clubgoer.
At
a
reunion
for
"The
Ben
Stiller
Show"--the
show
that
broke
him
nationally--he
showed
up
drunk
and
hurled
insults
at
his
former
fellow
cast
members.
He
stripped
nude
during
a
show
at
University
of
North
Florida,
and
half
the
crowd
walked
out.
``I'm
trying
to
figure
out
the
ratio
of
how
many
people
walk
out,
and
it's
still
cool,''
he
mused.
``If
more
than
half
your
audience
walks
out,
then
you
might
not
really
have
an
audience.
And
then
it'
s
like,
`Now,
what
am
I
accomplishing?'
I've
had
up
to
one-half
walk
out,
so
I'm
used
to
anything.''
Tickets
for
his
shows
run
in
the
neighborhood
of
$25-$35.
He
mentions
nothing
about
a
refund
policy.
It's
alright,
though,
because
he's
a
Christian,
and
he
struggles.
"I
always
maintained
a
dialogue
with
God,
especially
in
my
darkest
hours",
he
tells
beliefnet.com.
"Now
I'm
back
on
my
feet,
levelheaded,
grounded,
thanks
to
God,
thanks
to
the
people
around
me."
(uh....refer
to
paragraphs
above).
"It
is
totally
my
God-given
gift
and
I
say,
'Dear
God,
please
let
me
be
an
empty
vessel
to
do
your
work.
This
is
all
you.
Thank
you.'"
Of
his
outrageous
behavior,
Dick
says,
"I
mean
this
stuff.
People
don’t
know
that
about
me.
They
just
think
I'm
a
freak.
You
cannot
be
this
successful
without
having
God
on
your
side."
Did
God
sign
off
on
this?
Think
Andy--what
would
Jesus
do?
From
my
limited
knowledge
of
the
Bible,
I
don't
recall
him
exposing
himself
to,
drunkenly
lambasting,
bitch-slapping,
and
attempting
to
tongue-kiss
his
followers,
though
I
might
have
missed
that
chapter.
Nominated
by
B.
Kelter,
7.28.05
Return
to
top |
Virtually
condemn
your
most-loathed
celebrity,
relative,
or
backstabbing
weasel
ex-friend!
Try
it--it's
a
scream,
and
very
cathartic! |
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