DeadAir 2012: Oh. The humanity.

"Now boarding..." This Week's DeadAir 2012 Nominees

This Week - Monday, July 25, 2005
"Who's Done Something Revolting
With Fred Durst's Penis?" Week

It's all over the Internet, in the courts, the tabloids. Everywhere you turn these days, there's Fred Durst's penis. Whether it's a blurry image on pirated video footage from his camera phone or Fred expounding at length (?) on where he'd like to dock his explorer ship, Fred Durst's penis is getting an enormous share of media attention, even rivalling or exceeding similar bodily entities like Paris Hilton's mouth or R. Kelly's bladder. Most of us, male or female, gay, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, or pansexual would rather hear or see about practically anything from the pornucopoeia than Fred Durst's penis (except possibly Warren Sapp's taint). Still, tune into VH1's "Love Chain", Fred's blog, or his own mouth, and out comes an effluent of tales of Fred's magic johnson like so much raw sewage. But could it all be true? How to separate fact from fiction, truth from rumor, the wheat from the...shaft? Indeed, if there were even a fraction of truth to all of Fred's alleged conquests, we would recoil en masse against our favorite celebrities; turn away in disgust like Star Jones from an empty dessert cart.

Here we'll attempt to sort out the validity of some of Mr. Durst's claimed deployments of his moisture missile. Only then can we determine who should take a place on DeadAir 2012 to prevent them from unleashing their apparently tainted judgement--and loins--on an unsuspecting public.

NOTES ON METHODOLOGY: Each subject's alleged liasion with Mr. Durst's famous blunt will be evaluated by a number of different criteria to determine their validity, including:

  1. Their own confirmations or denials in the media.
  2. The vehemence and frequency of Mr. Durst's allusions to the alleged trysts, including coy wink-and-a-nudge "denials".
  3. The personal and/or career trajectories of said celebrities subsequent to their alleged sheathing of Mr. Durst's lance.

Based on all of the above, each subject will be rated on a 1-10 penicillin shot scale, or the Fred Durst's Penis Contact Career Contamination Factor (FDPCCCF), which represents the possible damage to their career or reputation from their alleged contact with Fred Durst's Penis.

Subjects with an FDPCCCF of 7or above will be seated on the plane. Subjects with an FDPCCCF of 2 or below have probably had little or no actual contact with Fred's solicitor general. Subjects in the middle, with FDPCCCF of 3-6 may have never done anything revolting with Fred Durst's penis, but, while we hate to blame the victim, have put themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time more than once and haven't been vigilant enough in quashing rumors of playing bullseye to Fred's love dart. They'll avoid a euthanizing spot on the plane, but can at best look forward to a dismal movie career appearing below Andy Dick in the credits or a spot on a future edition of "The Surreal Life", where they'll wind up sharing a hot tub with Bruce Villanche and Kim Fields.

These evaluations are entirely unscientific (we already tried to get a grant).

Halle Berry
Made out with Fred Durst in his pretentious video for "Behind Blue Eyes". Halle probably used questionable judgement in sucking face with him--she had just won the Oscar; what did she have to prove?--but it's pretty clear that she never touched his penis. He certainly used his penis in violating a Who classic, but Messrs. Townshend and Daltrey long ago established policy that as long as appropriate royalties are paid they aren't concerned whose penis is used in the violation their music.

Christina Aguilera
Had an ongoing spat with Fred after appearing together on the MTV Music Awards in 2000. Fred claimed for weeks afterward that he double-dated with Xtina and Fred Durst's penis, but she vehemently denied it. Questionable judgement appearing onstage with him, and her record sales aren't what they were four and five years ago. Coincidence? Perhaps, but...

Alyssa Milano

Dated Fred Durst after her breakup with Justin Timberlake. May or may not have done something revolting with Fred Durst's penis (the relationship was short-lived and she made an effort to avoid being photographed with him). Too close for comfort, though. Aside from "Charmed" her career has gone no where since she was seen with Fred.

Just for the record, though, she's already on the plane.

Britney Spears

Britney denies that they had a two-week liasion in early 2003, but Fred took to the airwaves and defended accounts of their salacious canoodling, though he later retracted and offered flaccid (no pun intended) denials of his earlier boasts. Spears career may or may not have taken a hit from her alleged contact with Fred Durst's penis, but personally it's been all downhill since 2003. She was already on a downward spiral post-Justin Timberlake, and 2004 saw an aborted 55-hour marriage to Jason Alexander, and having her uterus polluted by Kevin Federline (and her career, for that matter, if "Chaotic" is any indication). You be the judge. Also, it's a subject of debate whether K-Fed or her alleged encounter with Fred Durst's penis in any way inspired her 2004 hit "Toxic".

Britney's also already a DA2K12 passenger.

"I'd like to thank my producer, my manager, my....."
Clearly no one does more revolting things with Fred Durst's penis than Fred Durst. It's probable his reach equals his grasp but both clearly exceed his gab. While he has a bevy of Playmates who can claim intimate knowledge of Fred's gully-raker, anyone who puts this much effort into publicly boasting about his sex life likely spends even more time finding horrible ways to violate his own penis--not the least of which is photographing it in action with his camera phone where it would likely one day wind up on the Internet. Please see the ticket agent, Fred.
Virtually condemn your most-loathed celebrity, relative, or backstabbing weasel ex-friend!

Try it--it's a scream, and very cathartic!

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