|
This
Week
-
Monday,
July
18,
2005
"Bleach
&
Ammonia:
A
Love
Story
"
| |
The
Pied
Piper
of
Crazy
Love
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Name:
Jennifer
Wilbanks
Transgression(s):
Playing
the
granddaddy
of
all
"I
just
need
some
space"
cards.
Also,
imitating
a
living
Keane
painting.
Evaluation:
Relationships
are
never
easy.
Add
marriage
to
the
mix
and
it's
a
pressure-cooker.
Cold
feet,
pre-wedding
jitters,
second
thoughts.
All
familiar
stories,
and
things
most
normal
people
deal
with
in
mostly
normal
ways--drinking
to
excess
before
the
wedding,
so
that
their
sweating
and
trembling
at
the
altar
is
interpreted
as
a
hangover
and
not
mortal
fear;
a
last-minute
tryst
with
a
pool-shooting
barmaid
named
Trina
on
the
hood
of
her
Camaro
and
then
frantically
burying
your
lipstick-stained
underwear
at
the
bottom
of
the
kitchen
garbage
can;
vomiting
yourself
thin
enough
to
fit
into
your
size-3
wedding
dress
so
you'll
at
least
look
good
as
you're
surrendering
yourself
to
a
lifetime
of
matrimonial
obligation,
etc.
Meet
Jennifer
Wilbanks.
She's
not
a
normal
person.
You
already
have
sort
of
met
her,
unless
you
were
living
off
the
grid
in
the
late
days
of
April
when
her
Marty
Feldman-eyed
mug
was
splashed
across
MSNBC
and
CNN
as
a
nation
got
out
its
yellow
ribbons
and
prayed
for
the
safe
return
of
another
missing
white
woman.
It
was
all
a
very
tantalizing
story
at
first--she'd
gone
jogging
just
over
three
days
before
her
wedding
and
never
came
home;
they
found
a
sheaf
of
shorn
hair
in
a
nearby
park;
all
the
guests
were
invited
and
she
was
excited
about
her
wedding,
so
someone
must
have
taken
her.
Sure,
every
picture
of
her
looked
like
she'd
be
terrified
at
choosing
invitation
envelopes
much
less
going
through
with
an
entire
wedding,
but
it
was
a
story
heart-rending
enough
to
bite
on.
Then,
her
fiance,
whom
her
family
vouched
couldn't
have
had
anything
to
do
with
her
disappearance,
balked
at
taking
a
polygraph*.
This
was
clearly
another
Laci
Petersen
Debacle
unfolding--a
doughy,
self-imagined
playa
dispatching
a
woman
who
had
suddenly
become
an
impediment
to
his
lothario
lifestyle.
But
then
Jennifer
showed
up--not
decapitated
and
floating
in
San
Francisco
Bay,
but
calling
from
a
pay
phone
in
Albuquerque,
saying
that
she'd
been
kidnapped
by
a
Hispanic
man
and
a
white
woman
in
a
van
and,
and,
and
they
cut
her
hair
off,
and,
well,
she
can't
remember
much
about
them....yes,
she
was
with
them
four
days,
but.....Alright,
she
wasn't
kidnapped.
She
went
to
Las
Vegas,
on
a
Greyhound.
She
just
needed
some
space,
you
know?
Which
could
have
been
accomplished
simply
by
saying,
"I
just
needed
some
space."
Instead,
she
set
off
a
nationwide
manhunt
that
cost
$50,000+
and
countless
man-hours
in
an
embarassment
that
ended
with
her
being
led
through
the
airport
with
a
beach
towel
over
her
head.
Jennifer's
high-profile
"me
time"
was
the
relationship
equivalent
of
taking
a
sick
day
by
dynamiting
the
county's
power
grid
and
calling
in
a
terrorist
threat
to
the
local
Dow
Corning
plant.
And
she
gets
a
six-figure
book
deal
out
of
it.
Nominated
by
B.
Kelter,
7.12.05
Return
to
top
*This
is
surely
a
discussion
for
a
different
day,
but
fiance
John
Mason's
lawyer
thrust
him
into
the
forefront
as
a
false-positive
Scott
Peterson
when
they
advised
him
not
to
take
the
polygraph
test
until
he
negotiated
acceptable
terms
and
conditions
for
doing
so.
The
police
spent
the
better
part
of
two
days
getting
him
to
take
the
lie
detector
test--two
days
where
he
could
have
been
eliminated
as
a
suspect
and
they
could
have
looked
elsewhere--and,
barring
that,
wondering
why
he
wouldn't
unless
he
was....guilty?
When
it
turned
out
that
Jen
had
taken
a
wrong
turn
into
Albuquerque
it
was
clear
that
he
wasn't
guilty
of
anything.
What's
still
unclear
is
whether
the
attorney
who
gave
Mason
this
advice
on
the
polygraph
was
drunk,
retarded
or
even
a
lawyer
at
all.
Of
course,
another
position
is
that
he
got
the
same
spotlight
bug
as
Monica
Lewinsky's
first
lawyer,
William
Ginsburg,
and
wanted
to
optimize
his
face
time,
maybe
parlaying
it
into
more
billable
hours
and
a
higher-profile
clientele.
But
that
would
be
very
cynical
to
suggest
that,
wouldn't
it?
|
|
|
|
Name:
Dr.
Neil
Clark
Warren
Transgression(s):
Creating
creepy
pod-couples
professing
glassy-eyed
love
for
one
another
on
endless
basic
cable
commercials
to
the
cloying
chirpy
strain
of
a
really
bad
Natalie
Cole
song.
Evaluation:
Okay,
just
for
the
record,
we're
all
for
True
Love
here
at
DA2K12.
I
myself
married
a
wonderful
woman
in
2004
after
years
of
speculation
that
I
was
either
gay
or
that
there
were
bodies
of
teenage
boy
laborers
in
the
crawlspace
of
my
apartment
building,
and
I
couldn't
be
happier.
There's
something
different
at
work
here,
though;
something
more
than
a
little
unsettling
about
Dr.
Warren's
Bionic
Love
Army.
Too
much
shiny
white
enamel,
the
unnatural
glow,
the
robotic
simpatico
of
people
who
nod
dumbly
at
each
other's
every
utterance
and
are
frequently
seen
in
public
wearing
matching
Snapple
t-shirts.
Laugh
it
off
and
call
them
harmless,
but
years,
maybe
even
months
or
weeks
from
now
when
you
see
them
showing
up
on
television
for
another
reason--stacked
like
cordwood
in
rows
of
a
few
hundred
other
robed
couples
next
to
a
brushed
steel
vat
of
poisoned
grape
drink,
or
being
led
away
in
handcuffs
with
blood-spatter
dotting
their
face
as
they
promise
to
honor
their
dead
spouse
by
making
a
sweater
out
of
their
hair--you
just
remember
how
you
laughed
and
rolled
your
eyes
when
we
warned
you
first,
right
here.
|
|
|
|
Mitzi
&
Brad
Match
Date:
July
14,
2003
Tattooed
Each
Other's
Names
on
Genitals:
July
15,
2003
|
Chuck
&
Sharla
Match
Date:
May
21,
2002
Married:
May
21,
2002
Had
Gall
Bladders
Surgically
Exchanged:
November
6,
2003
|
Raif
&
Kristee
Married:
September
6,
2003
Executing
Mutual
Suicide
Pact:
September
6,
2013
|
|
Nominated
by
B.
Kelter,
7.14.05
Return
to
top |
|
|
|
Name:
Tom
Cruise,
Katie
Holmes
Transgression(s):
Mistreatment
of
furniture,
Brooke
Shields.
"Psychiatry
is
a
pseudo-science",
says
the
Scientologist.
"The
kettle
is..."
Well,
you
get
it.
And
Joel,
get
off
the
babysitter.
Evaluation:
We
all
knew
something
wasn't
right
with
"Cocktail",
but
then
he
came
out
with
"Rain
Man"
a
few
months
later
and
most
of
us
forgot
about
that
portentous
chink
in
the
armor,
just
as
we
did
when
he
started
shilling
for
Scientology.
Travolta
did
"Pulp
Fiction"
and
we
forgot
about
his
Scientologist
extracurriculars;
so
we
did
with
Tom
through
"A
Few
Good
Men",
"Jerry
Maguire",
"Magnolia"
and
so
on.
But
then
he
fired
Pat
Kingsley,
his
publicist
of
14
years,
and
suddenly
it
was
all
out
in
the
open,
the
real
Tom
that
his
trusted
gatekeeper
had
been
,
for
his
own
good
and
for
our
own
comfort,
keeping
from
the
public
for
almost
a
decade
and
a
half.
The
secret
is
out
and
while
he's
not
exactly
Michael
Jackson,
he's
still
someone
we
probably
want
to
keep
our
children
away
from--a
protective
instinct
Marty
and
Kathy
Holmes
would
be
wise
to
follow.
We're
not
putting
Katie
on
the
plane
just
yet.
This
is
one
of
those
things
that
unfolds
so
fast
that
it's
months
before
you
realize
how
weird
it
is
and
get
out;
just
a
stupid,
willful,
ill-considered,
youthful
indiscretion,
like
two
decades
ago
when
I
snorted
crank
that
I
watched
someone
make
in
a
soup
pan
in
their
mother's
kitchen.
She
could
very
well
come
to
her
senses
and
cringe
at
this
momentary
lapse
in
judgement.
We'll
leave
her
on
standby
for
six
months
and
see
how
this
improbable
courtship
plays
out.
Tom's
the
real
transgressor
here
(Never
mind
the
jumping
on
furniture
and
the
Scientologist
handler
he's
assigned
Katie;
just
weeks
into
their
relationship
he
took
her
to
dinner
at
ex-girlfriend
Penelope
Cruz'
parents'
house--now
that's
plumbing
new
depths
of
bizarre).
He
has
recently
received
a
seat
on
the
plane
with
our
bump
of
Brooke
Shields,
after
her
masterful
excoriation
of
Cruise
following
his
Scientology-approved
counter-diagnosis
of
her
alleged
post-partum
depression.
We
couldn't
let
this
one
go
without
an
official
writeup,
though.
Nominated
by
B.
Kelter,
7.9.05
Return
to
top |
Virtually
condemn
your
most-loathed
celebrity,
relative,
or
backstabbing
weasel
ex-friend!
Try
it--it's
a
scream,
and
very
cathartic! |
|
|
|
