DeadAir 2012: Passenger Manifest page header.

"Enjoy your Flight!"

"Thank you for flying DeadAid. My name is Tammy!"

Red Text = Over fuel tank: Guaranteed to incinerate like sausages forgotten on a grill.
Seats A & D = Window seats: Front-row seat for fiery death.

KEY

Click on one of the accompanying icons for more on your favorite Concorde passenger!

An enthusiastic, assertive femininity
An enthusiastic, assertive femininity
A visually-mesmerizing shot of a Favorite Guest plying their trade!
A visually-mesmerizing shot of a Favorite Guest plying their trade!
An assured, knows-what-he-wants personality
An assured, knows-what-he-wants personality
A unique, unconventional disposition and worldview
A unique, unconventional disposition and worldview
A colorful, unique communicator
A colorful, unique communicator
"Oh stewardess!" Passenger needs attention!
"Oh stewardess!" Passenger needs attention!
Chameleon-like physical versatility Chameleon-like physical versatility
What's the latest news on this Concorde guest?
What's the latest news on this Concorde guest?
Selfless, modest, omnipresent Selfless, modest, omnipresent
A fount of helpful advice, sincere opinions,and delightful tales
A fount of helpful advice, sincere opinions,and delightful tales
Resourceful; always an ear close to the ground Resourceful, always an ear close to the ground DeadAir2012 Friend-Sponsored Concorde Guest! DeadAir2012 Friend-Sponsored Concorde Guest!
A prolifically- newsmaking Concorde guest
A prolifically- newsmaking Concorde guest
Re-evaluated seating assignment
Re-evaluated seating assignment

1A. Martha Stewart Queen Martha

1B. Leona Helmsley Queen Leona

1C. Tom DeLay

1D. Michael Eisner

2A. Spike Lee

2B. Mariah Carey Queen Mariah

2C. George W. Bush

2D. Magic Johnson

3A. Shannen DohertyQueen  Shannen 3B. Tori Spelling Hideous Tori

3C. Pauly Shore

3D. Nancy Reagan Queen Nancy

4A. Tammy Faye Hideous Tammy

4B. Terrell Owens

4C. Phyllis Schlafly Queen Phyllis

4D. Toby Keith

5A. Robert Tilton

5B. Courtney Love

5C. Tom Jones

5D. Harvey Fierstein

6A. Clarence Thomas

6B. Kerri Strug

6C. Bryant Gumbel Penis Bryant

6D. Bryant Gumbel’s Ego

7A. Kathy Griffin

7B. Orrin Hatch

7C. Jonathan Nicholas

7D. John Grisham

8A. Kate Moss

8B. Winona Ryder Hideous Winona

8C. Michael Douglas

8D. Jenny Jones

9A. Dr. Laura Dr. Laura 9B. Alanis Morissette Crazy Alanis

9C. Celine Dion

9D. Barbra Streisand Hideous Barbra

10A. Linda Tripp Hideous Linda 10B. Margie Boule Saint Margie
10C. Molly Shannon Hideous Molly

10D. Bette Midler Hideous Bette

11A. Whoppi Goldberg

11B. Joyce Maynard Hideous Joyce

11C. Keanu Reeves

11D. Maury Povich

12A. David Arquette

12B. Shaquille O'Neal  

12C. Britney Spears Hideous Britney Spooky Britney

12D. Rosie O’Donnell The Mouth That Roared

13A. Howard Stern

13B. Yanni

13C. Snoop Dogg

13D. Randy Spelling Hideous Rappin' Randy

14A. Don King

14B. John Rocker

14C. PASSENGER EXEMPTED!

14D. Gwen Stefani

15A. Tom Cruise A unique, unconventional disposition and worldview 15B. Tonya Harding Hideous Tonya Varsity Loser Tonya

15C. Robin Givens

15D. Mike Tyson

16A. Dick Armey

16B. Kennedy

16C. Jewel

16D. Rush Limbaugh

17A. Kurt Rambis

17B. Pat Riley

17C. Chris Darden

17D. Barry Scheck

18A. Martin Lawrence Crazy Martin

18B. Anne Heche Crazy Anne

18C. Bill Gates

18D. Billy Baldwin

19A. Pat Buchanan

19B. Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen

19C. Gallagher

19D. David Copperfield

20A. Trent Lott

20B. Sinbad

20C. Daryl Strawberry Loser Daryl  Varsity Loser Daryl 20D. Dick Vitale
21A. Jim Belushi 21B. Puff Daddy
21C. Michael Bolton 21D. Dave Salesky
22A. Ollie North 22B. Tony Danza
22C. Jerry Lewis Penis Jerry 22D. Puff Daddy
23A.Whitney Houston Whitney Whitney 23B. Joan Collins
23C. Macaulay Culkin 23D. R. Kelly
24A. Sally Jesse Raphael 24B. Leeza Gibbons
24C. Kevin Federline 24D. Paris Hilton
25A. Nicole Kidman 25B. Liza Minelli
25C. Jamie Lee Curtis Hideous Jamie Lee 25D. Julia Roberts Hideous Julia
26A. Stephen Baldwin 26B. Rick Santorum
26C. Jesse Helms 26D. Barry Williams
 
The Flight Crew....

Pilot: O.J. Simpson Loser OJ

Co-pilot: Louis Farrakhan

Navigator: George W. Bush

Flight Attendants:

1. Kathie Lee Gifford

2. Fran DrescherHideous Fran

3. Dan Quayle
4. Alyssa Milano The Boss

Appendix 1. Additional Manifest

Overhead bins:

  • Linda Evans' Hair 
  • Calista Flockhart (in garment bag)
  • Gary Coleman
  • Hallie Kate Eisenberg (the Pepsi Girl) 
  • Master recordings of Britney Spears cover of "I Can't Get No Satisfaction"
  • All U.S. patents and licensing for the Boogie Bass, Billy Bass, and Louie the Big-Mouth Bass

Cargo hold:

  • The Old Navy/Gap Dancers (wearing Old Navy Cargo Pants)
  • Carrie Donovan (the Old Navy Woman)
  • Puck
  • Hanson, Nelson, Wilson Phillips

Appendix 2. Ground Casualties

1) American Prosthesis™ AmpuTheater

Kenny G "Oodles Of Noodling" World Tour 2012

  • Dead: 1,411
  • Wounded by debris: 277
  • Burned by fire and superheated hair gel: 977

2) Bi-Bowl Field

Promisekeepers 2012 (Ground Zero)

  • Dead: 1,553

Ancillary Casualties:

  • 1,553 widows who will turn to prostitution, lesbianism, and/or witchcraft and hanging out at Chippendale shows, drunk on Cosmopolitans
  • 3,552 fatherless children who will continue secretly doing drugs, attending Eminem concerts, pipe-bombing telephone booths, and having sex in the backseats of 1995 Honda Civics.

3) Wal-Mart #445066: (Location of death within store in parenthesis)

  • Dead:
    • 27 (Fishing Accessories)
    • 14 (Country-Western CDs)
    • 59 (Lawn Accessories)
    • 51 (Guns/Ammunition/Religious Statuary)
    • 74 (Beanie Babies/Pokemon Figures & Accessories)
    • 7 (Louie The Big-Mouth Bass endcap)

4) Ron Popeil Presents American Info-Mirth

  • Dead:
    • Tony Little
    • Anthony Robbins
    • Dionne Warwick
    • Loretta Swit
    • Graham Kerr
    • Chuck Norris
    • Christie Brinkley
    • Suzanne Sommers
    • Bernie Kopell
    • Allen Rachins
    • 59 residents of Hexane Meadows Mobile Estates, North Remora Beach

5) Hot Dog-On-A-Stick

  • Wounded: 4 employees (Burns [melted Styrofoam uniforms])
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DeadAir 2012 Manifest
DeadAir 2012 Ground Carnage
DeadAir 2012 Euthanasia Candidates
DeadAir 2012 Bookings
DeadAir 2012 Frequently Asked Questions
DeadAir 2012 Favorite Links
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Evening Flight: DeadAir2
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