DeadAir 2012: Oh. The humanity.

It's a season for believing
In the majesty of God.
For there in the Summer meadow
Are His footprints in the sod.

--Clay Harrison

June 23, 2012, 3:51 PM: Just another Saturday, the summer solstice visiting sun-drenched Florida. But it was a solstice that seemed to be bursting forth in an unusual fury, that moment when a roar emanated from the heavens and the summer's heat was suddenly descending in a fiery shower.

No one saw it coming. They were just going about the normal business of their lives when they had their ultimate rendezvous-with-destiny. It just happened that something they'd done in their lives--and done again and again and again--made God mad at them. Most likely, they all sold their souls at one point or another, perpetrating crimes against sanity or conspiring to make this world a very, very frightening place for the good people sharing society with them, just to indulge their own selfish wants. On this day, it seems, the Devil was calling in many, many markers.

See map below for the ground mayhem in detail, or click here for a complete casualty count!


Ground Casualties

1) American Prosthesis™ AmpuTheater

Kenny G "Oodles Of Noodling" World Tour 2012

  • Dead: 1,411
  • Wounded by debris: 277
  • Burned by fire and superheated hair gel: 977

Where'd they die again?: Return to Map

2) Bi-Bowl Field

Promisekeepers 2012 (Ground Zero)

  • Dead: 1,553

Ancillary Casualties:

  • 1,553 widows who will turn to prostitution, lesbianism, and/or witchcraft and hanging out at Chippendale shows, drunk on Cosmopolitans
  • 3,552 fatherless children who will continue secretly doing drugs, attending Eminem concerts, pipe-bombing telephone booths, and having sex in the backseats of 1995 Honda Civics.

Where'd they die again?: Return to Map

3) Wal-Mart #445066: (Location of death within store in parenthesis)

  • Dead:
    • 27 (Fishing Accessories)
    • 14 (Country-Western CDs)
    • 59 (Lawn Accessories)
    • 51 (Guns/Ammunition/Religious Statuary)
    • 74 (Beanie Babies/Pokemon Figures & Accessories)
    • 7 (Louie The Big-Mouth Bass endcap)

Where'd they die again?: Return to Map

4) Ron Popeil Presents American Info-Mirth

  • Dead:
    • Tony Little
    • Anthony Robbins
    • Dionne Warwick
    • Loretta Swit
    • Graham Kerr
    • Chuck Norris
    • Christie Brinkley
    • Suzanne Sommers
    • Bernie Kopell
    • Allen Rachins
    • 59 residents of Hexane Meadows Mobile Estates, North Remora Beach

Where'd they die again?: Return to Map

5) Hot Dog-On-A-Stick

  • Wounded: 4 employees (Burns [melted Styrofoam uniforms])

Where'd they die again?: Return to Map

Now Boarding DeadAir 2012...
DeadAir 2012 Manifest
DeadAir 2012 Ground Carnage
DeadAir 2012 Euthanasia Candidates
DeadAir 2012 Bookings
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Now Boarding Archive
Evening Flight: DeadAir2
Simply the Best - DeadAir 2012 Catering
Shit Sandwich: DeadAir 2012 Passengers Reconsidered

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