Given
that
we,
the
DeadAir
2012
Committee,
are
devoting
heart,
soul,
blood,
sweat,
other
bodily
fluids,
and
an
inordinate
amount
of
our
waking
hours
to
delivering
this
very
important
service,
we
don't
want
anyone
to
misunderstand
the
aims
of
our
mission,
to
question
our
place
within
a
polite
society,
or
to
wonder
who
in
the
fuck
is
the
guy
in
seat
23D.
We've
tried
to
answer
most
of
these
oft-leveled
queries
here,
and
will
continue
to
add
to
this
page
as
we
field
them
via
email,
in
taverns,
and
notes
tied
to
hurled
bricks.
Q.
What
is
DeadAir
2012?
A.
DeadAir
2012
is
an
imagined
air
flight,
booked
to
capacity
with
some
of
the
most
reprehensible
human
beings
sharing
this
earth
with
us.
DeadAir
2012
is
a
two-part
fantasy
borne
of
its
creators.
In
the
first
part,
all
of
the
bitches/bastards
who
make
our
lives
seem
like
a
weeks-long
prostate
exam
actually
get
together
on
one
plane.
Then,
in
the
second
part,
said
plane
meets
a
fiery
end
one
Saturday
afternoon
over
a
bland
bedroom
community
in
Eastern
Central
Florida.
.Q.
I
have
relatives
in
Eastern
Central
Florida.
What
bland
bedroom
community
are
you
talking
about?
A.
Remora
Palisades,
Florida.
Don't
worry,
your
relatives
are
safe--unless
of
course
they're
Kenny
G
fans
or
Promisekeepers.
Q.
Come
again?
A.
We
decided
that
this
event's
potential
would
be
unrealized
if
we
didn't
capitalize
on
the
opportunity
for
some
really
deserving
ground
targets.
So,
we've
localized
the
crash
zone
to
an
area
in
North
Remora
Beach,
where
by
an
amazing
set
of
coincidences,
a
Promisekeepers
gathering
and
the
Remora
Beach
show
on
Kenny
G's
"Oodles
of
Noodling"
World
Tour
2012
are
occurring
in
adjacent
venues.
It
gets
even
more
incredible:
Across
the
street
is
a
crowded
WalMart,
with
an
informercial
fair
under
a
tent
in
the
parking
lot,
and
a
Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick
across
the
street.
Q.
When
is
this
imaginary
plane
going
down?
A.
June
23,
2012
at
3:51
PM
(E.S.T).
Q.
How
will
the
plane
crash?
A.
That
will
be
up
the
the
NTSB
and
the
FAA
to
determine,
after
they're
done
sifting
through
the
wreckage.
What
is
certain
is
that
on
June
23,
2012,
at
3:51
PM
EST,
a
newly
recommissioned
Concorde
SST
carrying
some
of
the
world's
most
prominent
luminaries
and
a
few
lucky
guests
to
the
Grand
Opening
of
America's
newest
acquisition
and
party
destination
of
the
new
century,
Cuba
(to
be
officially
renamed
Cuba®,for
the
biggest
wing-ding,
barnburner,
and
hootenanny
the
young
millenium
has
seen
yet.
But
somewhere
over
Eastern
Central
Florida
airspace,
something
goes
terribly,
terribly
wrong.....
Q.
Why
do
we
have
to
wait
until
2012?
A.
There's
a
saying,
variously
attributed
to
Vito
Corleone,
19th
century
playwright
Pierre
Ambroise
Francois
Choderios
de
LaClos,
or
Vicki
Lawrence
from
the
Season
3
DVD
of
"Mama's
Family"
that
"Revenge
is
a
dish
best
served
cold."
You
can
nominate
these
people
and
go
on
about
your
life,
content
that
you've
done
your
part
to
condemn
them
to
a
gruesome
and
fiery
death
that
you
wouldn't
wish
on
a
rabid
dog.
And
best
of
all?
It
will
be
years
from
now,
so
you'll
have
the
added
satisfaction
of
the
element
of
surprise.
Besides,
this
is
the
third
time
we've
had
to
roll
out
this
site
("deadair2001.com"
and
"deadair2003.com".
It's
a
pain-in-the-ass
to
change
it
all
the
time.
Q.
Wow!
What
an
imaginary
party
that
will
be!
But
wouldn't
there
be
a
lot
more
reprehensible
people
should
be
going?
A.
Indeed.
And
in
fact,
our
Concorde
is
already
booked
to
capacity.
Fortunately,
Airbus
is
rolling
out
their
awesome
new
mega-jet,
the
A3xx--soon
to
be
christened
DeadAir
2.
We're
already
busily
filling
the
555
seats
and
ample
cargo
holds.
Q.
What
does
a
human
being
have
to
do
to
be
reprehensible
enough
to
make
it
onto
DeadAir
2012?
A.
That's
not
an
easy
question
to
answer.
We've
nominated
everyone
from
the
dangerous
to
the
just
plain
irritating.
Considering
the
example
of
our
Captain,
brutally
murdering
your
wife
and
an
innocent
bystander
and
spending
millions
to
get
away
with
it
would
pretty
much
make
you
a
shoo-in.
Beyond
that,
it's
as
wide
open
as
Rosie
O'Donnell's
mouth.
From
a
celebrity
who
gets
way
too
much
face
time
to
a
grocery
clerk
who
gets
in
your
face
way
too
much,
if
you
make
a
compelling
enough
argument,
they
will
appear
on
the
"Now
Boarding...
"
page
as
your
sponsored
passenger.
Q.
But
what
if
I
nominate
a
passenger
and,
due
to
my
reputation
or
to
cowardice,
I
don't
want
my
name
used?
A.
Except
for
the
passengers,
who
will
be
identified
by
name
and
by
as
much
detail
as
we
can
provide
without
getting
sued,
DeadAir
2012
is
a
discrete,
semi-anonymous
community.
Nominators
are
only
identified
by
first
name
and
last
initial,
or
vice-versa--however
best
to
preserve
semi-anonymity.
Q.
When
are
the
newly-nominated
passengers'
names
posted?
A.
Every
Monday
morning
by
9:00
AM
PST,
on
the
"Now
Boarding...
"
page
Q.
Can
I
suggest
reprehensible
pets
and
reprehensible
objects
for
the
reprehensible
people
to
take
with
them?
A.
Of
course!
Our
manifest
is
diverse,
and
spans
not
only
species
but
states
of
animation
as
well.
Q.
Who
are
you
people?
A.
Just
a
couple
of
good
Americans
doing
what
should
have
been
done
a
long
time
ago.
Most
of
our
members
don't
want
to
use
their
full
names,
for
obvious
Homeland
Security
Depeartment-
and
IRS-related
reasons,
except
for
our
co-founder
and
webmaster
Bill
K.,
whose
life
is
in
such
colossal
disarray
right
now
that
he
isn't
worried
about
anything
screwing
it
up
more,
short
of
his
committing
some
major
felony,
like
hiring
three
Singaporean
martial
arts
masters
to
stuff
Paul
Michael
Moore
(Hyman)
in
a
burlap
sack
and
beat
him
with
bamboo
canes
and
then
dump
him
off
on
Sunday
afternoon
in
the
parking
lot
full
of
drunken
NASCAR
tailgaters
with
his
hands
tied
behind
his
back
and
"CHILD
MOLESTER"
spray-painted
across
his
chest
and
back.
Q.
Are
there
more
of
you?
A.
Yes.
The
DeadAir
2012
Committee
is
growing
by
leaps
and
bounds.
We're
hoping
soon
to
have
assembled
a
rich
and
diverse
tapestry
of
caustic,
cynical,
curmudgeonly
Americans.
Q.
Could
I
ever
be
on
the
Committee?
A.
We
award
Committee
Seats
for
active
participation
and
consistently-strong
nominations.
Use
your
noodle
and
tap
into
that
misanthrope
inside
you
and
your
chances
are
excellent.
Q.
Don't
you
feel
like
you're
playing
God?
A.
No.
Most
of
us
are
agnostics.
