DeadAir 2012: Oh. The humanity.

Education and Enrichment

Given that we, the DeadAir 2012 Committee, are devoting heart, soul, blood, sweat, other bodily fluids, and an inordinate amount of our waking hours to delivering this very important service, we don't want anyone to misunderstand the aims of our mission, to question our place within a polite society, or to wonder who in the fuck is the guy in seat 23D. We've tried to answer most of these oft-leveled queries here, and will continue to add to this page as we field them via email, in taverns, and notes tied to hurled bricks.

Q. What is DeadAir 2012?

A. DeadAir 2012 is an imagined air flight, booked to capacity with some of the most reprehensible human beings sharing this earth with us. DeadAir 2012 is a two-part fantasy borne of its creators. In the first part, all of the bitches/bastards who make our lives seem like a weeks-long prostate exam actually get together on one plane. Then, in the second part, said plane meets a fiery end one Saturday afternoon over a bland bedroom community in Eastern Central Florida.

.Q. I have relatives in Eastern Central Florida. What bland bedroom community are you talking about?

A. Remora Palisades, Florida. Don't worry, your relatives are safe--unless of course they're Kenny G fans or Promisekeepers.

Q. Come again?

A. We decided that this event's potential would be unrealized if we didn't capitalize on the opportunity for some really deserving ground targets. So, we've localized the crash zone to an area in North Remora Beach, where by an amazing set of coincidences, a Promisekeepers gathering and the Remora Beach show on Kenny G's "Oodles of Noodling" World Tour 2012 are occurring in adjacent venues. It gets even more incredible: Across the street is a crowded WalMart, with an informercial fair under a tent in the parking lot, and a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick across the street.

Q. When is this imaginary plane going down?

A. June 23, 2012 at 3:51 PM (E.S.T).

Q. How will the plane crash?

A. That will be up the the NTSB and the FAA to determine, after they're done sifting through the wreckage.

What is certain is that on June 23, 2012, at 3:51 PM EST, a newly recommissioned Concorde SST carrying some of the world's most prominent luminaries and a few lucky guests to the Grand Opening of America's newest acquisition and party destination of the new century, Cuba (to be officially renamed Cuba®,for the biggest wing-ding, barnburner, and hootenanny the young millenium has seen yet.

But somewhere over Eastern Central Florida airspace, something goes terribly, terribly wrong.....

Q. Why do we have to wait until 2012?

A. There's a saying, variously attributed to Vito Corleone, 19th century playwright Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderios de LaClos, or Vicki Lawrence from the Season 3 DVD of "Mama's Family" that "Revenge is a dish best served cold." You can nominate these people and go on about your life, content that you've done your part to condemn them to a gruesome and fiery death that you wouldn't wish on a rabid dog. And best of all? It will be years from now, so you'll have the added satisfaction of the element of surprise.

Besides, this is the third time we've had to roll out this site ("" and "". It's a pain-in-the-ass to change it all the time.

Q. Wow! What an imaginary party that will be! But wouldn't there be a lot more reprehensible people should be going?

A. Indeed. And in fact, our Concorde is already booked to capacity. Fortunately, Airbus is rolling out their awesome new mega-jet, the A3xx--soon to be christened DeadAir 2. We're already busily filling the 555 seats and ample cargo holds.

Q. What does a human being have to do to be reprehensible enough to make it onto DeadAir 2012?

A. That's not an easy question to answer. We've nominated everyone from the dangerous to the just plain irritating. Considering the example of our Captain, brutally murdering your wife and an innocent bystander and spending millions to get away with it would pretty much make you a shoo-in. Beyond that, it's as wide open as Rosie O'Donnell's mouth. From a celebrity who gets way too much face time to a grocery clerk who gets in your face way too much, if you make a compelling enough argument, they will appear on the "Now Boarding... " page as your sponsored passenger.

Q. But what if I nominate a passenger and, due to my reputation or to cowardice, I don't want my name used?

A. Except for the passengers, who will be identified by name and by as much detail as we can provide without getting sued, DeadAir 2012 is a discrete, semi-anonymous community. Nominators are only identified by first name and last initial, or vice-versa--however best to preserve semi-anonymity.

Q. When are the newly-nominated passengers' names posted?

A. Every Monday morning by 9:00 AM PST, on the "Now Boarding... " page

Q. Can I suggest reprehensible pets and reprehensible objects for the reprehensible people to take with them?

A. Of course! Our manifest is diverse, and spans not only species but states of animation as well.

Q. Who are you people?

A. Just a couple of good Americans doing what should have been done a long time ago. Most of our members don't want to use their full names, for obvious Homeland Security Depeartment- and IRS-related reasons, except for our co-founder and webmaster Bill K., whose life is in such colossal disarray right now that he isn't worried about anything screwing it up more, short of his committing some major felony, like hiring three Singaporean martial arts masters to stuff Paul Michael Moore (Hyman) in a burlap sack and beat him with bamboo canes and then dump him off on Sunday afternoon in the parking lot full of drunken NASCAR tailgaters with his hands tied behind his back and "CHILD MOLESTER" spray-painted across his chest and back.

Q. Are there more of you?

A. Yes. The DeadAir 2012 Committee is growing by leaps and bounds. We're hoping soon to have assembled a rich and diverse tapestry of caustic, cynical, curmudgeonly Americans.

Q. Could I ever be on the Committee?

A. We award Committee Seats for active participation and consistently-strong nominations. Use your noodle and tap into that misanthrope inside you and your chances are excellent.

Q. Don't you feel like you're playing God?

A. No. Most of us are agnostics.

Now Boarding DeadAir 2012...
DeadAir 2012 Manifest
DeadAir 2012 Ground Carnage
DeadAir 2012 Euthanasia Candidates
DeadAir 2012 Bookings
DeadAir 2012 Frequently Asked Questions
DeadAir 2012 Favorite Links
Contact DeadAir2012

Now Boarding Archive
Evening Flight: DeadAir2
Simply the Best - DeadAir 2012 Catering
Shit Sandwich: DeadAir 2012 Passengers Reconsidered

Copyright © 2005 - B. Kelter