DeadAir 2012: Oh. The humanity.

They say the worst thing about these mass tragedies is that they rob us of our best and brightest. That clearly isn't the case with our doomed Concorde--virtually all of the already-confirmed passengers are, for their own individual reasons, very late for a dirt nap. The Concorde's 2003 flight represents a complex cosmic justice, yet at the same time it should also involve a certain measure of mercy and compassion: Of recognizing those who have done nothing overtly horrible or to any extent hostile, but are suffering in an unfortunate existence--a suffering that, if we indeed care at all, we should terminate.

Below you'll find a growing collection of nominees who don't seem to warrant God's swift retribution for a life of misdeeds, but whose mangled bodies lie on the shoulder of our socio-cultural roadside, crying, wailng, whimpering, begging for some good samaritan to stop and help them effect a swift and merciful end.

Name: Corey Feldman

Transgression(s): Survived the 80s, when Coreys roamed the Earth.

Evaluation: With Rick Astley and Boy George, Corey was one of the most bizarre and surreal sex symbols of a bizarre and surreal decade. No one has yet come forward and admitted to finding him attractive, but the overwhelming evidence of his ubiquity suggests that there are many out there hiding embarrassing secrets, and have a lot to answer for, about how they used their entertainment dollars and their libidos in the 1980s.

What's more perplexing--disturbing, even--is his continued employment (See him in 1999's Troma epic, Citizen Toxic: Toxic Avenger 4, and don't let Xmas 2000 pass without his recent album of new Yuletide standards, and just this year he appeared on ABC's "Politically Incorrect"). That he has been able to remain in the public eye despite "The Bad News Bears" TV series. Meatballs 3, Dream A Little Dream, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, Meatballs 4, Friday The 13th Part IV, Rock and Roll High School Forever, Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning, Dream A Little Dream II, and Citizen Toxic: Toxic Avenger 4 offers unsettling evidence of an entertainment industry having fun at someone else's expense.

Like bored teenagers guffawingly blowing marijuana smoke in a kitten's face, far too many decision-makers in the entertainment business sadistically delight in giving Corey the chance to perform publicly. And like that poor, chemically-addled kitten, the effect is just as pathetic. Though it's often been a subject of intense debate, Corey is human, and he has feelings. It's time to put a stop to this unnecessary cruelty.

Name: Paul Hogan

Transgression(s): Perpetuating Australian stereotype, and repeating that perpetuation again and again, repeatedly.

Evaluation: Paul burst onto the American scene in 1986 as the eccentric but delightfully engaging Australian-in-America, Michael "Mick" Dundee. He followed this blockbuster with another breakout roll in 1988's Crocodile Dundee II., playing the eccentric but delightfully engaging Australian-in-America, Mick Dundee. Dozens of viewers flocked to his early 1990s efforts Flipper, Almost An Angel, and Lightning Jack, where he showcased the artistic prowess and versatility he displayed as the "Third Delivery Man" in the 1980 Aussie feature Fatty Finn.

In the 1990s, he brought his talents to the small screen, playing an eccentric but delightfully engaging Australian-in-America in commericials for Subaru.

After a successful, years-long run in that role, he returned to American cinema, playing an eccentric but delightfully engaging Australian-in-America, Mick "Crocodile" Dundee in 2003's Crocodile Dundee In L.A. with equally-versatile Linda Kozlowski and the amazing Paul Rodriguez.

With his newest movie awaiting its Blockbuster premiere in video stores across the country, Paul reportedly plans to take a break from his film career, and spend the remainder of his natural life touring state fairs with fellow thespian, Bob Denver.

Now Boarding DeadAir 2012...
DeadAir 2012 Manifest
DeadAir 2012 Ground Carnage
DeadAir 2012 Euthanasia Candidates
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