DeadAir 2012: Oh. The humanity.


Stewardess Dottie Says:

"Welcome, Valued Guest, to the state-of-the-art Airbus A3XX. This will be the last flight you will ever take, but I'm here to make sure it's your best! This first of its kind seats 555 Valued Guests in uncompromised opulence. Regardless that this flight means your impending death, this promises to be the most memorable flight of your life. So sit back, enjoy some complimentary Pommery champagne, Elberta peaches, and gold leaf chocolates, and I'll see you in Hell!"

Plush appointments abound in the A3XX. High-back Pamplona leather seats are designed to comfortably accomodate even big and tall passengers, and recline (Fig. A) to provide all of our Valued Guests optimum luxury and soothing respite as they approach their fiery rendezvous with destiny.

The Cargo Hold in the new Airbus A3XX has been designed to stow an impressively large number of reprehensible celebrities and abhorrent cultural artifacts. This Cargo Hold can acccomodate the casts of the last seven Real Worlds, three 55-gallon drums of Bobby Knight's bile, Eminem and the transcripts of every deposition he's been forced to give, Mariah Carey's entourage, the latest touring company of Up With People!, the sealed dropbox of ballots that Jeb Bush dumped into the Gulf Of Mexico in 2000, and the 2003-04 Portland Trail Blazers.
With twin aisles and two levels the new Airbus A3XX line will swathe its guests in unparalleled luxury. Passergership-style stairs (as seen on The Titanic and other famous luxury liners), connect the upper and lower decks, and spacious cargo apartments can be designed for use as shops, gourmet restaurant-bars, and gymnasiums. A state-of-the-art communications bay will enable guests to make last minute changes to their wills and testaments, suspend alimony agreements, or issue instructions to their agents for posthumous publication/TV movie-adaptation of their memoirs .

1A. Marisleysis Gonzalez  The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

1B. Bob Costas The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

1C. Donato Dalrymple The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

1D. Dick Ebersol The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

1E. Bob SegerThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

1F. Lisa Loeb The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

2A. Richard Hatch The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

2B. Newt Gingrich The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

2C. Robin Williams The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

2D. Marty McSorley The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

2E. Kim Fields The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

2F. Lorne Michaels The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

3A. G.E. Smith The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

3B. Lon Mabon The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

3C. Paul Petersen The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

3D. Thomas Lauderdale The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

3E. Bonnie Franklin The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

3F. Bill Walton The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

4A. Alexi Lalas The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

4B. Connie Chung The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

4C. Tony Conza The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 4D. Katherine Harris The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
4E. Charlton Heston The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 4F. Melanie Griffith The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

5A. Brian Austin Green The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

5B. Rupert MurdochThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

5C. Robert Downey, Jr. The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 5D. Brandy NorwoodThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
5E. Tom Green The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 5F. Helen HuntThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
6A. Steven SeagalThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 6B. Corey Feldman The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
6C. Paul Hogan The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 6D. Al Gore The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
6E. Jeb BushThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 6F. Tom FeeneyThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
7A. Jason PriestleyThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 7B. Pamela AndersonThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
7C. Howie MandelThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 7D. Neve CampbellThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
7E. EminemThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 7F. Darva CongerThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
8A. Regis PhilbinThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 8B. Jennifer LopezThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
8C. Michael JacksonThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 8D. Adrian ZmedThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
8E. Cyndi LauperThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 8F. David CarusoThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
9A. Shelley LongThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 9B. Mark ChmuraThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
9C. Gabrielle CarterisThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 9D. J.S.The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
9E. E.N.The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 9F. L.B.The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
10A. V.The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 10B. Rae CarruthThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
10C. Jerry JonesThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 11D. Frank GiffordThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
11E. Ryan LeafThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 11F. Hank Williams, Jr.The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
12A. Brian BosworthThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 12B. Dan DierdorfThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
12C. Lawrence PhillipsThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 12D. Ray LewisThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
13A. Noel Henson, Susan RivasNoel Henson, Susan Rivas 13B. Bob Geldof The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
13C. Yoko OnoThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 13D. Mary Kay LetourneauThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
14A. Paul Allen The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 14B. Jim Carrey The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
14C. Ricky Martin Ricky M. 14D. Robert Noel The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
15A. Marjerie Knoller The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 15B. Jesse Camp The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
15C. Wayne Newton The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 15D. Geraldo Rivera The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
16A. Sally Struthers The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 16B. Bob Packwood The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
16C. Jennnifer WilbanksThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 16D. Dr. Neal Clark Warren The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
17A. Fred DurstThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee 17B. Jenna ElfmanThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
17C. Andy DickThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
 
Arugula Village The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee Hollywood Squares Taping The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
AT&T@Home Corporate Retreat The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
John Marler's Hair The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
Spuds Mackenzie The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
The U.S. Men's 4x100 Relay TeamThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
The cast of Ally McBealThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
Aerosmith-N'SyncThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
Pepsi Advertising TeamThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
Jennifer Lopez's Ass The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
Pearl Jam The Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee
Dionne Warwick's NostrilsThe Golden Coffin: Click for info on nominee

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